Richard Deshong
Conservative jokes!
Why are male conservatives against mandates?
That would be so gay.
American conservatives are pretty homophobic -
for people so proud of their four fathers
I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party.
Or Nat-C for short
How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten. One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.
Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?
California had first choice!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters?
You'll never de-fetus.
I was born into a very conservative family.
So, I am very much opposed to the idea of sex before marriage. This is why I always wait for women to get married before I sleep with them.
Conservatives can't tell jokes.
But they sure can elect them.
What are the two things’ conservatives hate?
The way things are, and change.
Why can't conservatives ever make good chili and barbeque?
Because they must be liberal with their spices.
Why are conservatives known as rednecks?
They don’t use sunscreen because the bottle says to apply liberally.
Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears.
"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you must choose wishes that will serve your constituents."
Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two wishes. Biden silently nods in agreement. "Very well, what is your first wish?"
"I want to build a wall around Texas. A giant, 20-foot-tall wall all the way around Texas so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out."
Biden starts to snicker under his breath. "It is as you wish," the genie says. "What is your second wish?"
"I want to move every single God-fearing conservative patriot into Texas, and I want every single leftist, liberal, commie pinko out of Texas. And I mean it, anyone who has ever voted Democrat, I want them out!"
Biden starts laughing. "It is as you wish," the genie says. "Now, Mr. Biden, what is your wish?"
Biden can hardly contain himself. "I want you to dump 20 feet of water on Texas."
On the first day God created the heavens, the earth, and the Conservative.
Conservative looked around and said "eh, I liked it better yesterday!"
Twitter has just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.
Ctrl + Alt + Right
What's a conservative's least favorite instruction?
Apply liberally.
Why do so many conservatives own game consoles?
Because they hate PC culture.
Why aren’t more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?
I thought we were trying to make America grate again.
Fiscal conservatives hate spending on infrastructure maintenance and repair.
Bunch of crack addicts!
What do conservatives call medical marijuana?
Medi-sin
How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.
How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!
How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change - even if it is to make the world a brighter place.
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